Scars on the Inside
by Knowing Grace
Summary: It's been five years since the accident and Adam still can't forgive himself for shooting Little Joe.


**Author's Note: I -unfortunately-do not own the rights or characters of Bonanza, although I wish I did. So no copywright infringement intended and please don't sue me! :)**

**The story idea does belong to me though.**

* * *

><p><strong><em>Scars on the Inside<em>**

_By Knowing Grace_

He didn't mean it, none of it. If he could take it back, trade places, rewrite history, he would, but life didn't work that way. He was there again—just like he new he would be the moment he let his guard down—the sun beating down on him. He tried desperately to ward off the memory, but it persisted: the flicker of movement, the quick decision to go for it, the rifle jumping in his hands...the strangled cry of pain from his victim as he sprawled in the dust thirty feet away.

_Joe!_

He bolted upright in bed, heart pounding sweat coating his upper lip. It was a nightmare, that was all. **Passing **a hand over his face, he let out a mirthless laugh. What a joke! Fate had played with him—nearly sending him over the edge—driving him to the brink of insanity.

_I shot my brother, my own flesh and blood! _He smacked the back of his head against the headboard to try and drive the vivid image of Joe lying in a growing pool of crimson out of his mind. It didn't work. Frustrated, he jumped out of bed, tossing his robe on and walking over to the window to gaze into the darkened world below. He rested his forehead on the cool glass, looking deceptively calm on the outside while inside of him his heart and brain waged war.

W_hat did I do to deserve that? Did I hate him? No, I love my family and would never intentionally hurt any one of them so why did it happen? It's all my fault...I never listened to him. Yes I did listen! He told me it was an accident, that he forgave me. How could he do that, I shot him for crying out loud! Why did I do it? Oh God, tell me what I did wrong! Why—_

"Adam?" He nearly jumped out of his skin. Whirling about, he caught sight of his little brother standing in the doorway to his bedroom.

"W-what are you doing up?" It was a stupid question, but he was so flustered he couldn't think anything else to say. Joe ignored the question; he took in the dark circles under his older sibling's eyes, his body still shaking from the ordeal he had just relived.

"Montpelier Gorge again." It was a statement not a question; Adam hung his head in embarrassment before nodding in agreement. Without an invitation, Joe entered and made his way over to the nearest chair, lowering his body into it.

"It's hard to believe, but it's been five years since it happened." Adam made a noncommittal sound in the back of his throat, wishing his brother would just leave him alone so he could **round up** his thoughts and stuff them neatly back into the box they had sprung from.

_ Is that what you really want, to be by yourself tonight?_ Inwardly he groaned, wishing his conscience would take a vacation.

"Yeah, let's **celebrate** the **anniversary** of the day I put a bullet into your hide" The bitter words felt like acid in his mouth and he quickly turned to face the wall so his visitor wouldn't see the tears forming in his eyes. Silence filled the room.

"You know, " Joe said, looking down at his bare arm, "these scars always seem to ache this time every year, but you know what?"

"What?" Adam asked, weakly.

"They don't hurt nearly as bad as the wounds you have." The older man turned back towards him, not fully understanding.

"You see, the body heals and pretty soon you forget about the trauma you went through, but it's the scars on the inside that are the worst. They stay with you forever. Unless..."

"Unless, what?" He was hanging on his every word, begging for some kind of relief from the burden he bore in silent agony. Joe stood suddenly, draping a gentle arm around the man's shoulders.

"Unless you can finally let go of them." He squeezed the shoulder under his hand lightly.

"I forgive you, Adam, did so years ago; now it's time you forgave yourself." Another pat then Joe released him and headed towards the door.

"Good night, Adam." He said before exiting the chamber and closing the barrier behind him.

_It's time you forgave yourself..._The words had struck a chord in his heart, but he wasn't sure if he could do it. He'd lived with the guilt and pain of what he'd done for too many years he didn't even know where to start, but for his brother's sake he would try.

_God?_

The burden seemed to shift slightly and then he knew. He smiled to himself before climbing back into bed. In the morning he would go back, he would see the place where he had committed his crime and he would bury his demons there beside the wolf in memoriam of his new-found liberty. The pink fingers of sunlight stretched slowly across the grey sky as Adam Cartwright fell into a dreamless sleep where the wolf, gun, and terror could no longer harm him. He was finally free.

-The End...or the Beginning


End file.
